Oh

 So I re-read what I posted the other day. I feel like I should stress - mostly I feel good! sometimes weirdly good, but good. Life is interesting, and good. There's plenty of uncertainty, and some hazard, going on. But. . . I'm OK with all that.

more on that subject

Music: also when listening to music; which I do often while driving. So I think that explains the "while driving" part. I love music, and I listen pretty much just to music I love. And I'm just frequently caught by beauty - in music, in the world, in people. Again this all seems to have started right at a particular time last year. The first week of June. 

Feels

 Off and on for the past 9 months I've had a lot of sudden feelings. It comes and goes; currently I'm in a period of having them. I'm just doing my thing and then, suddenly something I can only describe as a "swelling feeling of euphoria and/or sadness, I can't tell which". I can sometimes push it either direction.

It shows up lots of different times/places, however I've noticed it more often in two situations:

1. driving

2. playing Spelling Bee

The latter is so weird. Something about sitting and staring at the 7-hexagon pattern can trigger me into this state. It's not overwhelming (usually), but it's not subtle either.

There have been a few occasions where this event has been nearly completely overwhelming. This is almost always in conjunction with a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately. A person. I have been thinking about this person a great deal over this time span. Sometimes more than others. Currently, on the "more" side. Anyway, once or twice the feeling has hit heavy despair and on several more occasions an overwhelming euphoria. Twice, while driving alone, I just began shouting randomly for a few minutes. 

But more often than not, it's more like "I'm tearing up right now but I'm not sad, really. Happy maybe? More like 'experiencing beauty'". 

I've experienced something similar a few times before in my life; they all manifested differently, I think because of my internal state/structure being different at those times than now. The good news is that this time around, it's more often a good feeling and less often creeps into sadness/despair. 

I'm fairly constantly trying to figure out what to make of it and/or believing that I shouldn't make anything of it. 

I've had some success with acknowledging that whatever it is, it's coming from "a good place". I also thought of the phrase "a good problem to have" the other day - most commonly this comes up in work contexts. I think it's harder to see in a personal context sometimes.